CLEGG TO CLEAN UP POLITICS USING HIS PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT
NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.
The Lib Dem sensation said that some boring accountant stuff meant it is just easier if you give it to him personally, adding that it is ‘Nick’ not ‘Nicholas’ and ‘Clegg’ with a double ‘g’.
He added: “I am determined to clean up the pigsty that is British politics but I do have a small number of personal expenses such as ring binders, pens, my lovely assistant Rita and the odd lunch.
“Anyway, here’s my card. It’s got the sort code and account number in the bottom right hand corner. If you could set up a standing order that would be magic. Saves writing a lot of cheques doesn’t it?”
Mr Clegg said public confidence in parliament would only be restored when businessmen were not able to influence the political process by handing over large sums of money all in one go.
“We need a new system of political donations based on monthly instalments that are much less obvious to the sort of cynical, old-fashioned journalists who are only interested in really meaty, five figure sums.”
He added: “The new politics should be about re-establishing the connection between MPs and the voters, so if it’s paid directly into my current account then we’ll both know where it is rather than it getting lost in the faceless and rather impersonal records of a medium-sized political party.”
Mr Clegg also pledged that if the Lib Dems are able to scrap the Trident missile replacement he would be happy to keep the £100bn in his NatWest account until it can be used for something more worthwhile.
He added: “Honestly it’s no bother. There will be a small handling fee. Tiny, actually. Three, maybe four percent. You’ll hardly notice it.”
Meanwhile the Lib Dem leader has also agreed to show his birth certificate to the Daily Mail in bid to convince them that he is not Rudolf Hess.
GOOD GOD, THIS COUNTRY IS FULL OF IMMIGRANTS, SAYS BROWN
GORDON Brown last night said he was amazed to discover that Britain had quite a lot of immigrants.
Prime minister said that if only he had known he would have done something about it, but now they are here they should all talk properly and watch Antiques Roadshow. 
Mr Brown added: “As soon as I found out there were immigrants I asked for a full report and I am now pleased to confirm that after a decade of them sneaking in willy-nilly, last year only two foreigners arrived in Britain, both clutching an old wooden clock and asking for Fiona Bruce.
“However, I accept there are still quite a few unusual-sounding people in this country who insist on maintaining a culture that can often seem at odds with Britishness, such as working really hard and minding their own business.”
The prime minister said foreigners are often to be found crowded into East London constituencies where local, indigenous majorities of less than 8000 can easily feel threatened.
He added: “I have no idea how they got here but I will do everything I can to make sure they all get their clocks valued at a stately home and that if you shut your eyes you would swear you were talking to Adam Woodyat or Martine McCutcheon.”
Calling for a calm and rational debate, Mr Brown said: “I think it’s very important that politicians do not use immigration as a political football, especially the racist ones in the Conservative Party.
“We must treat this issue sensitively, unite against extremists and I’ve got fifty quid right here for anyone who can actually tell me the difference between the Tories and the SS.”
CIDER DRINKERS TOO ARSEHOLED TO GIVE A MONKEY’S
BRITAIN’S cider drinkers last night greeted the Budget with a glazed expression and a wide, peaceful grin before collapsing into a hedge.
As chancellor Alistair Darling outlined plans to slash Britain’s £1.4 trillion deficit with a new supertax on Diamond White, fans of the beverage were torn between trying to get up or to just accept the situation and go to sleep in the hedge.
Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, said: “I feel fine. I do, I feel fine. Tell you what, if each of you can just grab my arms. No, no. Stop. That’s not gonna work. Let’s just think about this.”
Getting very serious for a moment, he added: “The thing about stuff is, right, is that it’s all shit. It’s all just a big fucking game. You know?
“So this guy says some stuff and other guy goes blah blah and then what happens? Howthe fuck should I know? Has anyone got any food?”
Meanwhile economists said the government’s economic strategy would only work if the Diamond White supertax was accompanied by an ambitious national pothole fixing programme and a new version of Grand Theft Auto.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “We should also see some benefit from making first time buyers believe they would be slightly better off if anyone actually gave them a mortgage.”
Mr Darling told the Commons that his package of pathetic bribes and class war proved that Labour was right about you being a moron and is right about you continuing to be a moron.
The chancellor also stressed that thanks to a dream he had, the fictitious deficit figures for 2014 were now much lower than the ones he originally made-up.
Declaring war on the people who pay Labour MPs for bullshit consultancy services, he added: “Those who made the wealth must be made to pay for making the wealth that has made them so wealthy.”
But Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madely-Finnegan: said: “Labour and the trade unions always imagine it’s the honest, downtrodden workers who really create the wealth and that rich people are basically characters from a Dickens novel.
“But of course if the rich people hadn’t started the companies then, in all likelihood, the workers would be sitting around in their own dung, guzzling cider and picking the fleas out of each other’s pubes.”
Hedge-based consumer, Roy Hobbs, added: “Come on Eileen, oh come on Eileen, oh come on now, oh come ooooon Eileeeeeen.”
World’s hottest chilli to become India’s secret weapon against terrorism
The chilli grenade has been found fit for use after trials in Indian defence laboratories, a fact confirmed by scientists at the Defence Research and Development Organisation,” Col. R. Kalia, a defence spokesman in the north-eastern state of Assam, said.
“This is definitely going to be an effective non-toxic weapon because its pungent smell can choke terrorists and force them out of their hideouts,” said R. B. Srivastava, the director of the Life Sciences Department at the New Delhi headquarters of the DRDO.
The bhut jolokia or Naga Chilli was confirmed by Guinness World Records in 2007 as the world’s spiciest chilli. It is grown and eaten in India’s north-east for its taste, as a cure for stomach troubles and a way to fight the crippling summer heat.
It has more than 1,000,000 Scoville units, the scientific measurement of a chilli’s spiciness. Tabasco sauce ranges from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units, while jalapeno peppers measure anywhere from 2,500 to 8,000.
Mr Srivastava, who led a defence research laboratory in Assam, said trials are also on to produce bhut jolokia-based aerosol sprays to be used by women against attackers and for the police to use in certain cases.
More about chilli seeds
Chilli plants and seeds have spread across every continent and have been bred into literally hundreds of varieties in every conceivable shape, colour and size.
The active ingredient in chillies, mostly concentrated around the seeds, is called Capsaicin and it has a rather peculiar effect on us, activating the heat receptors in the throat and mouth. The brain responds to the burning sensation by raising the heart rate and releasing endorphins, ready to counteract the pain so they really do bring about a real sense of both pain and pleasure. In actual fact Capsaicin does you no harm whatsoever.
People grow chillies from seeds for a variety of different reasons, reflected by the different World of Chillies Seed Collections. Most people have a fascination with the effects of Capsaicin and want to grow the serious hot varieties such as Bhut Jolokia, the Naga Morich and chillies from the Habanero family.
Some are interested by the ornamental qualities of these beautiful, sometimes weird and wonderful fruits and others are connoisseurs of different varieties, applying different chillies to a wide range of cuisines and dishes.
Others have more of an emphasis on growing chillies that cannot be bought commercially for specific culinary purposes
DAVINA McCALL FORCED TO EAT OWN FOOT
Quickly realising she was not on television and the nearest camera was more than two days away by snow shoe, McCall telephoned BBC FiveLive to let them know her chin looked and felt fabulous.
But she added: “The Garnier helicopter is unable to get through. My feet are very cold. If only I could get out and dance like the stars of my new Sky One show Got To Dance.”
After a few minutes McCall became delirious, drifting in and out of consciousness. Moments later she said: “My right foot has gone completely numb. I suppose I should take this opportunity to eat it without hurting myself.”
The BBC presenters tried desperately to dissuade her before they were bombarded with texts and emails from thousands of angry listeners telling them to mind their own business.
McCall then attempted to deliver a running commentary on her foot-meal but her speech became increasingly muffled as she devoured her toes before working her way steadily towards the ankle.
After six minutes of chewing she let out a colossal belch and began interviewing herself in a frenzied manner which BBC doctors stressed was completely normal for Davina McCall.
Meanwhile the Met Office has repeated its warning that it’s, you know, snowing a lot, so just stay indoors for a couple of days and watch telly.
A spokesman added: “Unless, of course, your chin is fully protected and you have at least three days worth of feet.”
Using A Chilli Plant To Grow Your Own Peppers
Many people love hot and spicy food. Besides tasting delicious, the chili is also very healthy for you. It contains lots of antioxidants, as well as other vitamins. Chilis also help to regulate insulin levels and help increase your metabolism. They can be added to all sorts of different foods so that you can gain the health benefits they offer, as well as have a tasty meal. Although you can get these in the stores, you can make them even more easy to use by growing your own chili plant. 
The chili plant is best grown in hot and tropical areas. When grown in these areas it is a perrennial plant, and it can be planted pretty much any time of the year. Chilis will mature quickly given the proper soil nutrients, sun and water. However, many of us do not live in these areas. It is still possible to grow these plants in colder areas.
In cold areas, the chili plant is usually an annual plant. The best way to grow them in areas where the growing season is short is to plant them in containers. That way you can keep them inside when it is cold. You just need to make sure to give them plenty of nutrients, and when you bring them inside you will want to put them in a sunny window to make sure they get enough sun. They should be watered a little each day, but make sure not to give them too much as this could cause problems with the plant. In colder areas like this it will take a whole season for the plants to mature, so you won’t get as many chili peppers as you would in warmer climates.
Regardless of where you plant you chili plants, the peppers are not ready until they come easily off the stem. You shouldn’t have to pull hard in order to pick them. If you pick them before they are ready then you will be less likely to get other peppers from the plant since it can be damaged easily. However, if you are patient you will be rewarded with delicious peppers that you have grown all on your own which will taste better than any you could get in the store.
BBC TO OFFER MORE CRONE-BASED PROGRAMMING
HAGS and crones will take centre stage in the BBC’s spring schedule as the corporation announces a big increase in witch-themed programming. 
Themove follows threats of a multi-generational curse from the British Crone Council, which represents gimlet-eyed, toothless old women who live in caves and speak in vivid and frightening metaphors.
Deputy director Mary Fisher, who claims to be 386, said: ”Tis be a shame there bain’t no better programmin’ for ladies such as I.
“Our dark sisterhood tires of endless reality dance shows. Where be the series in which crow-like harridans cackle mercilessly as they tell which combination of herbs and eldritch phrases can make a virgin pregnant with a donkey-headed abomination?”
Following the complaint and the first born son of the BBC’s Head of Factual Programming being bitten by a talking stoat, the corporation has agreed to hand over BBC2’s Thursday night schedule to crone-based programming.
A BBC spokesman said: “Wizened Women is a bit like Loose Women but the three hosts share a single eye, which they pass around so they can view the future of the celebrity guest and tell them exactly when and how they are going to die.
“There’s also a cooking show which focuses mainly on children and a new sitcom called A Bit Familiar about a disgustingly foul-mouthed goat engaged in a series of hilarious mix-ups as he tries to organise his weekly, blood-soaked orgy of sodomy and murder.”
The spokesman added: “I am forbidden to speak further lest my tongue be split and my eyes dissolve in their sockets. You’d best be on your way now.
DO ’45 MINUTES’, FANS TELL BLAIR
FANS of Tony Blair are today looking forward to a selection of his greatest hits, including Saddam Hussein Was a Horrible Man and the classic show-stopper 45 Minutes.
Mr Blair will take to the stage in London for a one-off performance that fans hope will be a nostalgic celebration of his career-defining 2002 album The September Dossier.
Sources who have seen the playlist say he will open with the hard-driving, rock standard Iraq is So Much Better Off, before slowing things down with the quiet, soulful Halabja Massacre.
The former prime minister will then bring the crowd to their feet once more with the bouncy, bubblegum pop of We Don’t Have to Take our Clothes Off (To Have a Regime Change).
Helen Archer, a Blair fan from Stevenage, said: “IfSeptember Dossier is hisSergeant Pepper then 45 Minutes has got to be his Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.
“It’s a work of pure imagination and the sort of thing you would think was written in a drug-induced haze, if you didn’t already know that it was an obvious and deliberate lie.”
A source close to Mr Blair said: “He’s taken his cue from Bruce Springsteen and gone for a six hour performance filled with crowd-pleasing favourites that everyone can sing along to, rather than ignoring the audience and doing lots of rubbish new stuff that no-one wants to hear, like Van Morrison.”
The source added: “If he gets an encore then you might see something like a jazz-folk version of People’s Princess or Education, Education, Education.
“And, while I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, I hear he’s been rehearsing a grimey, funked-up remix of Tough on Crime Tough On the Causes of Crime with Tinchy Stryder and Missy Elliot.”
A Few Chilli Tips
Understanding chillies is a must. The following will help you anytime you have to prepare them, cook them or add them to dishes.
Firstly, it must be understood there is more than one type of chilli, in fact there are hundreds of them, all with their own flavours, heats and nuances. There are hot ones, mild ones, sweet ones, green ones, red ones and they come in all shapes and sizes.
It is said that the smaller and greener they are the hotter they will be. A useful guide but these days not always the case! With so many hybrids and new varieties there are also large hot ones, very hot red ones and very sweet green ones! So buyer beware!
Try to get to know the names of the chillies, this is a far better way of knowing what you are buying and letting yourself in for.
There are to start with five main groups, in alphabetical order these are:
- Annumn
- Baccatum
- Chinense
- Frutescens
- Pubescens
From there, there are many, many types of chillies.
The heat intensity of these are measured on what is known as the Scoville scale.
For a list of these chilli types and their Scoville rating <click here>
Using Fresh Chillies – chiles, chilis, chillis
- During and after preparing chillies, great care must be taken with hands and any equipment used. The chemical capsiacin, that gives it its heat will remain on hands and equipment for hours afterwards and not only taint other food but when left on the hands can be very painful if the eyes, ears, nose, mouth or private body parts are touched
- During and after use, hands and equipment must be thoroughly scrubbed in cold water first and then hot water
- A common mistake with chillies is that the seeds are hottest part – NOT SO. While they are hot, the worst part is the white placenta that holds the seeds to the inside of the pod. So both the seeds and placenta must be removed to decrease the heat
Preparing Fresh Chillies – chiles, chilis, chillis
- Cut the chillies in half; down the centre lengthways
- With a small sharp knife run the knife along the inside, removing the seeds and the placenta and discard
Cooking with Fresh Chillies – chiles, chilis, chillis
- Remember chillies have a flavour as well as adding heat to a dish
- Add fresh chillies, chilli powder, etc at the start of the cooking process, this allows it to ‘cook out’, the flavour to develop and the heat to diffuse
- Add chillies sparingly, remember you can always add more later and if it is the fierce heat you want, you can always add that with a little tabasco sauce or similar at the end, or allow your guests to do so at the table
- The Thai people when cooking with chilli will always add a little sugar and vinegar as they stir fry them, this chemical combination reacts with the capsiacin and decreases the chillies heat
- It must be understood there is a raw chilli heat and a cooked chilli heat. When raw the capsiacin will burn on contact with the lips, tongue etc. However when cooked the chemical reacts more when eaten and swallowed, thus giving the ‘nice’ burning sensation
- If the cooked intensity is still too high as you eat, DO NOT drink watery fluids. The water only reacts with the chemical and makes it worse. Drink plain milk or a milky drink, the dairy fat has a soothing effect on the chemical. This is why most cultures that use a lot of chillies in their cuisine automatically serve a dairy side dish with it: the lasse drink with Indian meals or foods bound in yoghurt, etc, sour cream on top of nachos, etc
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