CIDER DRINKERS TOO ARSEHOLED TO GIVE A MONKEY’S

BRITAIN’S cider drinkers last night greeted the Budget with a glazed expression and a wide, peaceful grin before collapsing into a hedge.

As chancellor Alistair Darling outlined plans to slash Britain’s £1.4 trillion deficit with a new supertax on Diamond White, fans of the beverage were torn between trying to get up or to just accept the situation and go to sleep in the hedge.

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, said: “I feel fine. I do, I feel fine. Tell you what, if each of you can just grab my arms. No, no. Stop. That’s not gonna work. Let’s just think about this.”

Getting very serious for a moment, he added: “The thing about stuff is, right, is that it’s all shit. It’s all just a big fucking game. You know?

“So this guy says some stuff and other guy goes blah blah and then what happens? Howthe fuck should I know? Has anyone got any food?”

Meanwhile economists said the government’s economic strategy would only work if the Diamond White supertax was accompanied by an ambitious national pothole fixing programme and a new version of Grand Theft Auto.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “We should also see some benefit from making first time buyers believe they would be slightly better off if anyone actually gave them a mortgage.”

Mr Darling told the Commons that his package of pathetic bribes and class war proved that Labour was right about you being a moron and is right about you continuing to be a moron.

The chancellor also stressed that thanks to a dream he had, the fictitious deficit figures for 2014 were now much lower than the ones he originally made-up.

Declaring war on the people who pay Labour MPs for bullshit consultancy services, he added: “Those who made the wealth must be made to pay for making the wealth that has made them so wealthy.”

But Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madely-Finnegan: said: “Labour and the trade unions always imagine it’s the honest, downtrodden workers who really create the wealth and that rich people are basically characters from a Dickens novel.

“But of course if the rich people hadn’t started the companies then, in all likelihood, the workers would be sitting around in their own dung, guzzling cider and picking the fleas out of each other’s pubes.”

Hedge-based consumer, Roy Hobbs, added: “Come on Eileen, oh come on Eileen, oh come on now, oh come ooooon Eileeeeeen.”

World’s hottest chilli to become India’s secret weapon against terrorism

The chilli grenade has been found fit for use after trials in Indian defence laboratories, a fact confirmed by scientists at the Defence Research and Development Organisation,” Col. R. Kalia, a defence spokesman in the north-eastern state of Assam, said.

“This is definitely going to be an effective non-toxic weapon because its pungent smell can choke terrorists and force them out of their hideouts,” said R. B. Srivastava, the director of the Life Sciences Department at the New Delhi headquarters of the DRDO.

The bhut jolokia or Naga Chilli was confirmed by Guinness World Records in 2007 as the world’s spiciest chilli. It is grown and eaten in India’s north-east for its taste, as a cure for stomach troubles and a way to fight the crippling summer heat.

It has more than 1,000,000 Scoville units, the scientific measurement of a chilli’s spiciness. Tabasco sauce ranges from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units, while jalapeno peppers measure anywhere from 2,500 to 8,000.

Mr Srivastava, who led a defence research laboratory in Assam, said trials are also on to produce bhut jolokia-based aerosol sprays to be used by women against attackers and for the police to use in certain cases.