CLEGG TO CLEAN UP POLITICS USING HIS PERSONAL BANK ACCOUNT

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

The Lib Dem sensation said that some boring accountant stuff meant it is just easier if you give it to him personally, adding that it is ‘Nick’ not ‘Nicholas’ and ‘Clegg’ with a double ‘g’.

He added: “I am determined to clean up the pigsty that is British politics but I do have a small number of personal expenses such as ring binders, pens, my lovely assistant Rita and the odd lunch.

“Anyway, here’s my card. It’s got the sort code and account number in the bottom right hand corner. If you could set up a standing order that would be magic. Saves writing a lot of cheques doesn’t it?”

Mr Clegg said public confidence in parliament would only be restored when businessmen were not able to influence the political process by handing over large sums of money all in one go.

“We need a new system of political donations based on monthly instalments that are much less obvious to the sort of cynical, old-fashioned journalists who are only interested in really meaty, five figure sums.”

He added: “The new politics should be about re-establishing the connection between MPs and the voters, so if it’s paid directly into my current account then we’ll both know where it is rather than it getting lost in the faceless and rather impersonal records of a medium-sized political party.”

Mr Clegg also pledged that if the Lib Dems are able to scrap the Trident missile replacement he would be happy to keep the £100bn in his NatWest account until it can be used for something more worthwhile.

He added: “Honestly it’s no bother. There will be a small handling fee. Tiny, actually. Three, maybe four percent. You’ll hardly notice it.”

Meanwhile the Lib Dem leader has also agreed to show his birth certificate to the Daily Mail in bid to convince them that he is not Rudolf Hess.

GOOD GOD, THIS COUNTRY IS FULL OF IMMIGRANTS, SAYS BROWN

GORDON Brown last night said he was amazed to discover that Britain had quite a lot of immigrants.

Prime minister said that if only he had known he would have done something about it, but now they are here they should all talk properly and watch Antiques Roadshow. 

Mr Brown added: “As soon as I found out there were immigrants I asked for a full report and I am now pleased to confirm that after a decade of them sneaking in willy-nilly, last year only two foreigners arrived in Britain, both clutching an old wooden clock and asking for Fiona Bruce.

“However, I accept there are still quite a few unusual-sounding people in this country who insist on maintaining a culture that can often seem at odds with Britishness, such as working really hard and minding their own business.”

The prime minister said foreigners are often to be found crowded into East London constituencies where local, indigenous majorities of less than 8000 can easily feel threatened.

He added: “I have no idea how they got here but I will do everything I can to make sure they all get their clocks valued at a stately home and that if you shut your eyes you would swear you were talking to Adam Woodyat or Martine McCutcheon.”

Calling for a calm and rational debate, Mr Brown said: “I think it’s very important that politicians do not use immigration as a political football, especially the racist ones in the Conservative Party.

“We must treat this issue sensitively, unite against extremists and I’ve got fifty quid right here for anyone who can actually tell me the difference between the Tories and the SS.”